They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
