people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
