I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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