So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
