nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
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All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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