somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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