clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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