Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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