i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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