There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
