We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
