i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
