Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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