I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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