Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
