Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize