Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just invented taco cereal.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
