wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
