If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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