im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
