Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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