My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
