if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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