As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
