She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize