One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
