Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
