I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
