I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
