I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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