Apparently you make a good broom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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