First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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