cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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