I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
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Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
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he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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