I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
worst night to have a conscience
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
