69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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