his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
