My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
