we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
