so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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