Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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