im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
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IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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