Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
