The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she peed on how many people?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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