Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
