I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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