My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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