I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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