i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
