dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
