they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
