Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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