My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
