No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
