You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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