Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
