Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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