What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
